Good News for Scottish Viruses
If you are a virus in Scotland, things have been tough since the start of this year, with lockdown making it harder for you to kill people. But tomorrow your life will get easier. Lockdown is ending, Scotland is moving to Level 3. Here are all the ways you can find victims starting tomorrow:
Non-essential retail opens up. You can infect customers in all shops, not just grocery shops.
Indoor hospitality opens without alcohol. Being a virus, you don’t drink booze anyway, but you’ll have plenty of new hosts to choose from in enclosed spaces — up to six people from different households.
Close-contact retail services are permitted. Hairdressers, beauty salons, tattoo studios, massage… the people you infect will be stylish and relaxed.
Travel outside your local area — you can not only infect people anywhere in Scotland, but also in England and Wales.
Libraries reopen. Well, not for us peasants in Maryhill or Whiteinch, but you’ll be able to infect readers everywhere else.
Museums and other tourist attractions reopen. So you can infect visitors as well as residents. If they don’t get ill right away, maybe you’ll get to go home with them.
Driving lessons and tests permitted. You can be the invisible passenger.
Life events have a higher guest number. Infect up to 50 people in one go.
Gyms reopen. Athletic bodies make good-looking cadavers.
Swimming pools reopen. You can do some wet work.
Alcohol permitted to be sold in outdoor licensed locations. When people are drunk, they won’t be less careful, will they? Of course not.
So have fun while you can, Covid. Make some memories to store after there’s an infection spike and we go back into lockdown in a few weeks.